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Aurayle
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 Last replied to on Mon Mar 13, 2006 07:03:46
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pp. 004 "Oh pure love - is true love barren?"
Platonic love refers to a passionless noncarnal love, a relationship between minds only. It doesn't seem like thats what he means.  I know thats the verbatim translation from the katakana, but it doesn't fit the meaning.
pp 005. "True love", you say?! A-hahahahahahaha!
"Get back, Satan!" seems to fit the dialogue better than retreat.
"Why can't they (females) understand my feelings...?"
"While he should be popular, he is so naive that he always ends up getting rejected. He's been rejected nineteen times now!"
"Oi~ Eitarou"
"Why do you look so depressed?"
Forgive my presumption, but, the author seems to be using
English language loanwords that barely fit the dialogue. Nihiri (Nihilistic) is a word that is too extreme and doesn't fit the theme well when translated. One can substitute "depressed" for greater efficiency.
"Eh? Depressed? Y-you can tell?"
"Um, letter for you!"
pp006
Uwahahahaha
"This guy's problem is that he always gets caught up in the moment."
"And that he is only attracted to beautiful girls!"
pp 007
"No, not at all..."
More to come after I sleep... lol
(Admin: fixing thread title)
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boke
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Posted at Wed Feb 08, 2006 03:23:23
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Forgive my presumption, but, the author seems to be using
English language loanwords that barely fit the dialogue. |
Unfortunately, It's endemic in Japan. Manga in particular.
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mrdummy
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Posted at Sun Feb 12, 2006 23:07:58
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Proofreaders, please read the pages and place here your comments.
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povidiusnaso
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Posted at Wed Feb 15, 2006 00:23:23
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I don't know Japanese, so all of my comments come from improving the wording, flow, and grammar of the English. The translators will have to judge my suggestions in the light of the original Japanese.
One inconsistency I noticed throughout is that sometimes it "Eitaro," and other places "Eitarou." AFAIK both Romanizations are valid, but I'd pick one for consistency. I marked a few Eitarous, since the translation started with Eitaro.
005.png
"What are females" => "What are women"?
Females sounds too technical/formal here, IMO.
"He is naturally so naive that while he should be in popular . . ." =>
"He is naturally so naive that while he should be popular . . ."
The 'in' is unnecessary in English here.
006.png
"To Eitarou-sama" => "To Eitaro-sama"?
"Every since the School Entrance Ceremoney . . ."
"Ever since the School Entrance Ceremony . . ."
'Ever' makes sense, 'every' doesn't.
"This guy's fault . . ."
"This guy's weakness . . ."
'Fault' used in a phrase like this often implies blame. 'Weakness' or 'failing' fits better.
". . . and the fact that he is attracted to beautiful girls only." =>
". . . and the fact that he is attracted only to beautiful girls."
I found the original position of 'only' a bit odd, but that may be a personal quirk.
008.png
"Wha-at, Eitarou-san!!" => "Wha-at, Eitaro-san!!"
009.png
"What are you're doing?" => "What are you doing?"
The original essentially doubles the 'are.'
022.png
"It's messing around someone else's wife however ..." =>
"It's messing around with someone else's wife however ..."
The original sentence is missing a word, I think.
025.png
"haruna" => "Haruna"
028.png
". . . in modern medicine that it shifts it's sex to female." =>
". . . in modern medicine that it shifts its sex to female."
'Its' is the possessive form of 'it.'
029.png
"Dar*ling" => "Darling"?
I don't understand why the asterisk is there.
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boke
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Posted at Wed Feb 15, 2006 05:14:03
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No issues with suggested changes.
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"Dar*ling" => "Darling"?
I don't understand why the asterisk is there. |
To indicate heavy emphasis on each syllable. Alternative notation welcome.
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povidiusnaso
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Posted at Thu Feb 16, 2006 09:19:08
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No issues with suggested changes.
[quote]"Dar*ling" => "Darling"?
I don't understand why the asterisk is there. |
To indicate heavy emphasis on each syllable. Alternative notation welcome.[/quote]
Perhaps "Darrrrling?" How is he/she emphasizing it in the original Japanese, pronunciation-wise?
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boke
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Posted at Thu Feb 16, 2006 18:16:33
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Each syllable pronounced as a separate word, with a bullet separating each syllable.
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povidiusnaso
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Posted at Sat Feb 18, 2006 21:49:40
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Perhaps "Dar-ling?" I'm not familiar with a standard method of representing exaggerated enunciation in English without using narration; the previous is the best I can come up with.
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povidiusnaso
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Posted at Sat Mar 11, 2006 09:52:37
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000: Include "My First Time" in the title notes?
001: Volume 1 notes: "I have volume one from the second printing in 1995, and volumes one and two from the third printing in 2001. The old three volumes from 1976 are impossible to find . . . "
"Now you can only find easily find two volumes from the third, latest printing. Amazon.co.jp sells them."
I'm a little confused about this opening. Were there originally three volumes in the 1976 printing, and then only two in the later (1995 and 2001) printings? Which volumes do you own, exactly?
004: "What's 'technique'?" -> "What technique?"
005: "Get Lost!" -> "Get lost!"
006: "What is with this letter..."
I don't understand what this phrasing means here. Does it mean,
"Who's this letter from?", "Why did someone send me this letter?", or something else?
"Love Letter!" -> "Love letter!?"
Center panel: White spot in the center of Eitaro's shirt?
". . . I have been secretly adoring you...."
"I have secretly adored you..."
I think the simple past tense preserves the meaning of the sentence and eliminates the awkward wording. Three dots in ending ellipsis.
"Trou....I'm troubled...~~"
Three periods in first ellipsis.
". . . caught up in the moment . . ."
Is this a Japanese idiom? The meaning is clear on inspection, but this is not a usual phrase in English?
007: ". . . for suddenly sending such a letter to call you out..."
This echoes a Japanese grammar structure that doesn't show up in English much, I think. I can't really figure out a rephrasing that preserves the meaning of "such a letter;" perhaps replace "call you out" with "invite you here."
"no.. no.. it's fine" -> "No... no... it's fine."
"shameless"
This is a common phrase in Japanese-English translations that doesn't sound like normal English, but has no easy English equivalent.
"no... not at all..." -> "No... not at all..."
008: "Wait....Please Wait~~~" -> "Wait...please wait~~~"
Several places on this page: three period ellipses, and ending
punctuation for sentences (periods, usually).
009: "That would go with a guy just to satisfy her fleeting desires?" -> "Who would would go out with a guy just to satisfy her whims?"
"ah...." "Ah..."
Capitalize first, "wait" in, "wait, wait."
Top left panel: spot on Mayumi's hair.
015: ". . . met such a horrible fate . . ." -> ". . . met a horrible fate . . ."
"Such" adds nothing here.
018: "An Angel!" -> "An angel!"
019: "The day you died of a brain tumor, a boy kills himself by the shore..."
Should the tense agree here? ("a boy killed himself")
021: "Uhuh Uhuh" -> "Uhuh uhuh"
022: "Eijiro-san"
Should this be Eitaro-san?
023: "Yes, It's ok" -> "Yes, it's ok."
024: "Good Morning" -> "Good morning"
025: "A jumper, hm?" -> "A jumper, hmm?"
026: "...he still is breathing..." -> "...he's still breathing..."
Sounds more natural.
027: ". . . been a month after my suicide...?" -> ". . . been a month since my suicide...?"
028: Period after "replacement for my wife."
034: "Don't say it all perverted . . ." -> "Don't say it all pervertedly . . ."
Adverbial form. I can't think of a better word for "pervertedly," unfortunately.
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boke
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Posted at Sat Mar 11, 2006 15:30:09
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out of town for a day or two. comments on return.
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mrdummy
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Posted at Sat Mar 11, 2006 23:14:30
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001: Volume 1 notes: "I have volume one from the second printing in 1995, and volumes one and two from the third printing in 2001. The old three volumes from 1976 are impossible to find . . . "
"Now you can only find easily find two volumes from the third, latest printing. Amazon.co.jp sells them."
I'm a little confused about this opening. Were there originally three volumes in the 1976 printing, and then only two in the later (1995 and 2001) printings? Which volumes do you own, exactly? |
These are my personal words. I don't put these words in edited pages. Just ignore them.
I have one volume from second press (that is in 1995) and two volumes from latest third press (2001). But third press is more smaller and that have little low detail in pages. It's harder to read very small Japanese characters.
I must find from 2nd press second volume. That is better to scan te pages, because it's bigger than third press.
Originally the first press release is indeed started in 1976. That is 3-volume press release. You cannot find such old volumes there, even in second hand stores. 1995 and 2001 presses are in 2-volume re-release. It's a reprint for manga from 1976, but with new Japanese characters in balloons.
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boke
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Posted at Mon Mar 13, 2006 01:24:54
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000: Include "My First Time" in the title notes? |
Full title is "My First Sexual Experience"
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004: "What's 'technique'?" -> "What technique?"
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Fixed to "What's "technique"?"
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". . . caught up in the moment . . ."
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Stet. It's a common enough english expression
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007: ". . . for suddenly sending such a letter to call you out..."
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Fixed to "...for suddenly sending that letter and asking you to come here..."
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009: "That would go with a guy just to satisfy her fleeting desires?" -> "Who would would go out with a guy just to satisfy her whims?"
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Stet. Eitaro speaks in a really stilted fashion when he talks about ideals.
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015: ". . . met such a horrible fate . . ." -> ". . . met a horrible fate . . ."
"Such" adds nothing here.
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Stet. Equivalent emphasis in original.
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019: "The day you died of a brain tumor, a boy kills himself by the shore..."
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Fixed to "The day you die..."
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034: "Don't say it all perverted . . ." -> "Don't say it all pervertedly . . ."
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Stet.
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povidiusnaso
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Posted at Mon Mar 13, 2006 05:02:42
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Fixed to "What's "technique"?" |
Clarification: I thought Eitaro here was being sarcastic about Playboy's pretensions of being an "artistic" porn mag, so saying, "What 'technique?'" as if they didn't have any, rather than asking, "What is technique?" Am I misinterpreting?
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Stet. It's a common enough english expression |
It is, but it feels out of place here to me. *shrug*
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034: "Don't say it all perverted . . ." -> "Don't say it all pervertedly . . ."
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Isn't "perverted" modifying "say" here, so it should be the adverbial form "pervertedly?" Or do you think that just sounds too ugly?
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boke
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Posted at Mon Mar 13, 2006 07:03:46
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Clarification: I thought Eitaro here was being sarcastic about Playboy's pretensions of being an "artistic" porn mag, so saying, "What 'technique?'" as if they didn't have any, rather than asking, "What is technique?" Am I misinterpreting? |
No, he's railing against the notion of sexual technique (presumably mentioned in the playboy article). It's not very clear in Japanese either, but it fits in rather well with the notion of a frustrated boy talking in fragments.
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do you think that just sounds too ugly? |
yup. It's the least awkward.
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