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mrdummy
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 Posted at Mon Feb 06, 2006 00:59:36
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And last chapter 21 of volume 3 is now uploaded for translation.
You can see i have done the quick work, not good cleaned pages. But it's only for translation, not for editing.
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crusaderky
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Posted at Mon Feb 06, 2006 01:21:43
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If you want me to, I could do proofreading for BnFnT.
English: excellent
Japanese: extremely modest, but improving every day
should I report minimal errors like misplaced capital letters &.c?
154: both "bodies" and "zones" are plural, so I think it should be "most of those".
154: If I'm not wrong it's girls' not girl's in this case since the subject should be plural. But I'm not 100% sure, since "girl" is an abstract concept here so it may stay singular.
155: You must be kidding
156: see above. it's either girls'... boys' or girl's... boy's
156: "I told you how to masturbate just earliear" sounds better
158: "What do you want?" sounds rude. better be "What is it?" (also considering that Tomoki doesn't know Mako well and that she's older than him AND a babe, he's supposed to be extremely corteous, while still informal). For the same reason, "Could you tell" is better than "Can you tell"
166: "mine are different" supposedly means "my genitals", which is a medical term; it's easier to think about "my sex" or "my crotch", so the text should be "mine is different". Yet, I can't say if there's an explicit plural in the jap original or not.
167: "puhleaaase" sounds very wrong, bot for the "uh" that sounds like a spit and the repeated "a"s that you never get to pronounce when speaking. "pleeease" would be better. (the jap original reads "onegaaaai")
167: lots of times
168: "nervous": "doki" translates to "thump", the sound of strong heartbeat
169, 170: untranslated SFX
170: won't
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CRVSADER//KY
CVI.SCIENTIA.IMPERIVM
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mrdummy
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Posted at Mon Feb 06, 2006 02:10:37
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Thanks. I'm waiting for Waxmaker reaction.
When chapter 20 is edited and ready, there is chance to fix chapter 18-19 again, with your proofreading check.
But it's up to you. Want to fix ch18-19 again or not?
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boke
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Posted at Mon Feb 06, 2006 03:59:03
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Quote:
should I report minimal errors like misplaced capital letters &.c?
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Yes.
Quote:
156: "I told you how to masturbate just earliear" sounds better
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Disagree. Stet.
Quote:
166: "mine are different" supposedly means "my genitals", which is a medical term; it's easier to think about "my sex" or "my crotch", so the text should be "mine is different". Yet, I can't say if there's an explicit plural in the jap original or not.
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Mako has two sets of genitals, thus the plural. Stet.
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168: "nervous": "doki" translates to "thump", the sound of strong heartbeat
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Since "waku" does not have an easy English onomatopoeia, doki was given as "excited" this time to make a better match. Stet.
Quote:
169, 170: untranslated SFX
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Difficult to translate and obvious from context. Stet.
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crusaderky
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Posted at Mon Feb 06, 2006 12:42:47
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should I report minimal errors like misplaced capital letters &.c?
Yes. |
121: hmm, a matter of time
Quote:
169, 170: untranslated SFX
Difficult to translate and obvious from context. Stet. |
You could just put a note nearby.
Quote:
But it's up to you. Want to fix ch18-19 again or not? |
I suppose I'll check them and then you'll decide if there are enough errors to justify a re-release.
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CRVSADER//KY
CVI.SCIENTIA.IMPERIVM
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crusaderky
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Posted at Mon Feb 06, 2006 13:02:58
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154: If I'm not wrong it's girls' not girl's in this case since the subject should be plural. But I'm not 100% sure, since "girl" is an abstract concept here so it may stay singular.
156: see above. it's either girls'... boys' or girl's... boy's |
"Women are cruel"
"Women's cruelty sometimes surprises me"
"Men often repeat the same errors"
"Man often repeats the same errors"
I thought about it. All these examples are about abstract groups of people, but while the first 3 are surely correct, I'm not sure about the last (it would sound much better with 'mankind').
So, in our case, it should be girls' and boys'.
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CRVSADER//KY
CVI.SCIENTIA.IMPERIVM
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mrdummy
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Posted at Mon Feb 06, 2006 13:18:11
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You could just put a note nearby.
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Look at my zipped and edited chapter 20. I placed the note at right side of the page, on page 169 and 170.
Quote:
I suppose I'll check them and then you'll decide if there are enough errors to justify a re-release. |
We shall see if it's serious or not. You may also give advice if i should re-release it as new version or not.
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Waxmaker
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Posted at Mon Feb 06, 2006 18:26:02
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Whups, sorry; I've been checking the site regularly but I thought I was going to get an email when the chapter was ready for proofing. I'll download and check it now...
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mrdummy
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Posted at Mon Feb 06, 2006 20:38:05
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The edit system is now little changed. See more details in Site messages subforum.
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Waxmaker
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Posted at Mon Feb 06, 2006 20:46:36
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I'm not doing a full QC here, but you might check your font styles on some of these pages. The speaking font is oddly grayish on pages 148-153, switches to a crisp black (like in previous chapters) from 154-158, back to gray on 159, and back to black from 160 on.
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mrdummy
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Posted at Mon Feb 06, 2006 20:50:34
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I'm not doing a full QC here, but you might check your font styles on some of these pages. The speaking font is oddly grayish on pages 148-153, switches to a crisp black (like in previous chapters) from 154-158, back to gray on 159, and back to black from 160 on.
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You're right. I have changed antialiasing settings in some pages. I shall check the problem.
Edit: it's not antialiasing, but color error. The grayish fonts are not 100% black. It's more like 80% black.
Quote:
So, in our case, it should be girls' and boys'. |
If i see just only girls, must i keep it at girls, or must all words changed to girls'. (so same for boys) That is my only question to make sure which is correct. Sorry for my English.
(I think I fix the words with ' above. Words without ' are not changed)
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Waxmaker
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Posted at Mon Feb 06, 2006 21:44:57
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Still working on my proof.
I notice that the translator alters the end punctuation for the original text in a number of instances, which changes the tone a tiny bit... translator's privilege, of course--assuming that the translator meant to do it (and yes, in some places, I know this is necessary) For instance, on p149 the translation for the third frame is "Ok, later!" instead of "Ok, later..." Just wanted to point this out--doesn't necessarily means anything actually needs changing.
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crusaderky
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Posted at Mon Feb 06, 2006 21:53:16
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So, in our case, it should be girls' and boys'.
If i see just only girls, must i keep it at girls, or must all words changed to girls'. (so same for boys) That is my only question to make sure which is correct. Sorry for my English.
(I think I fix the words with ' above. Words without ' are not changed) |
whaa no no no 
girls' is the saxon genitive for girls (of girls)
[EDIT] I checked on a textbook.
singular that does not finish with s: attach 's (of a woman: woman's)
plural that does not finish with s: attach 's (of women: women's)
singular that finishes with s: attach ' or 's; in the latter case, add an euphonic e when pronouncing (of a princess: princess' or princess's (pron: princesses))
plural that finishes with s: attach ' (of princesses: princesses')
Quote:
I notice that the translator alters the end punctuation for the original text in a number of instances, which changes the tone a tiny bit... translator's privilege, of course--assuming that the translator meant to do it (and yes, in some places, I know this is necessary) For instance, on p149 the translation for the third frame is "Ok, later!" instead of "Ok, later..." Just wanted to point this out--doesn't necessarily means anything actually needs changing. |
actually, I think that's because in japanese you seldom use punctuation in comics, in particular exclamation points, while in western languages you always have to, and some graphical signs are read differently
ano... where do I download the .zip file from? *scratch scratch*
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mrdummy
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Posted at Mon Feb 06, 2006 22:22:11
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whaa no no no
girls' is the saxon genitive for girls (of girls)
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Then i must it let unchanged at girl's?
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ano... where do I download the .zip file from? *scratch scratch* |
See the private message (at main page forum, above)
Have now uploaded next version. Waxmaker can use same url he found in private message. The file is overwritten.
(note: girls' is in this version. If it's wrong, tell me.)
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Waxmaker
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Posted at Tue Feb 07, 2006 00:12:07
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Argh, you changed it while I was in the middle of proofreading it... ok, no problem; here's the proof of the new version.
=================
BnFnT ch20 Proof by Waxmaker
I put # before my personal comments
p149
without me, k? => without me, 'k?
#"kay" was used in the previous chapter--you could use that instead if you like. Just "k" on its own without an apostrophe looks a little weird, I think
p154
Are you listening to me? => are you listening to me?
#Capitalization change
most of those is never => most of those are never
p155
Then when she's given => then when she's given
#Capitalization change
p156
beginners need to.... => beginners need to...
#There's four dots instead of three in the ellipsis.
p158
So then.... => So then...
#There's four dots instead of three in the ellipsis.
p160
so will probably be late... => so she'll probably be late...
#The first way is correct, but isn't really casual speech.
... but => ...but
#Remove the space between the ellipsis and the "but"
p166
Explained => she explained
#This needs to be changed to "she explained" because the subject of the sentence gets a little confused otherwise.
#Also, capitalization change
Since mine are => since mine are
#Capitalization change
About that favor... => about that favor...
#Capitalization change
p169
#You know, I think "glance" would be perfectly fine as an in-frame SFX here, but as you like it.
If you take away => if you take away
#Capitalization change
p170
#Here, "OH" would be a good in-frame SFX for "noticing something" 
p171
If you are going to => If you're going to
#Sounds a little oddly formal (especially during this scene!) without the contraction :p
p173
Do it with your lover => do it with your lover
#Capitalization change
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mrdummy
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Posted at Tue Feb 07, 2006 00:48:12
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p149 => kay
p154, p155, p156, p158, p160, p166 - changed
p169 #well, it don't feels for me a real soundeffect, so boke say, thus i let it as sfx notice.
p170 #unchanged, because it's not real soundeffect for me. Use sfx notice for it.
p171, p173 - changed
Because the many capitalization changes, i shall better look out in next chapters Right, boke?
Thanks for proofreading, Waxmaker. The new zip file is now uploaded and overwritten old version. You can verify it again.
I'm waiting for the final answer, then i start the torrent.
Now i'm going to bed ZZzzzz
Oh yes, you notice the changes in font? I have now another formed character 'w' and also 'Z' and 'z'. Compare it with chapter 18/19.
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Waxmaker
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Posted at Tue Feb 07, 2006 02:39:33
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Whups, heh-heh. I missed a couple capitalization changes:
p160
Where's Hiromi => where's hiromi
She's on a => she's on a
p162
Even though => even though
p163
That it had => that it had
Otherwise, it looks good!
I did notice that you'd started to use your altered font this chapter, and that also looks very good. Much better!
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Waxmaker
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Posted at Tue Feb 07, 2006 03:49:38
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Would you mind a few typesetting tips from somebody who's been an editor for quite a while? You're doing an excellent job on the whole, but I did want to point out a couple things. :p
First thing: Every so often, you tend to stretch your text out horizontally a bit too much. Most bubbles are fine, but occasionally the margins are too slim on the sides and too large on the top and bottom. You probably remember this from the editing guides you read: you want to try to make the text match the shape of the bubble, more or less. The margins will almost always be larger on the top and bottom than they are on the sides, but if you've got extra space, be sure to leave some of it on the sides too.
So something like this:
looks better if the margins are more even around the words, like this:
Second thing: combining two bubbles into one like you did on p158 is something that you really want to try to avoid if at all possible.
Here's what you have:
I recommend doing something like this instead:
There's not much room to play with, and I know you might not like the idea of hypenating Hisamatsu's name, but it just doesn't look good to stretch it across two bubbles like that. It breaks the illusion that the English text belongs to the bubbles naturally. I'd even recommend something like this, if you really want to keep Hisamatsu's name all on one line:
...although I don't think that looks as good as the other example.
This is just the kind of thing that I wish people had pointed out to me when I was starting out in editing. And like I said, on the whole, you're doing a great job.
But if you don't want this kind of advice, I'll shut up. :p
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Aurayle
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Posted at Tue Feb 07, 2006 06:11:13
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pp 184
Komatsubara says "For me," should be changed to "Personally,"
Also, one instance of Komatsubara saying Kishiwagi needs to be changed to Kashiwagi on that page. Also the sensei says Kishiwagi on that page and it needs to be changed to Kashiwagi.
pp 185
Komatsubara says Kishiwagi instead of Kashiwagi on this page also.
When sensei is saying "Seriously?" one might wish to consider adding an exclamation mark to denote her emphasis.
pp 202, Keigo says Kishiwagi, should be changed to Kashiwagi.
--- Thats all for now!
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boke
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Posted at Tue Feb 07, 2006 07:05:51
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pp 184, 185, 202:
Kishiwagi -> Kashiwagi. |
Done.
Please move the proof-reading comments into the Translation Talk forum. Create a new topic for each chapter please.
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